Inherently Ridiculous

Needles of Love and Joy
May 31, 2005, 2:29 pm
Filed under: blah blah blah

Bored as all Hell
1 Week till Austin!
Oh with the work. . .
3:32 pm
Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Needles of Love and Joy

Today I went to the Clinic of Pain. And, it helped. I know, I’m almost afraid to say anything in fears that it’ll jinx the whole thing but this is pretty damn nifty.

The doctor was so nice. I could tell that he was really listening, trying to help me, caring. And he was friendly, and considerate. He answered my questions, asked his own nicely, and generally made the whole process a wonderful thing. I think he really did sympathsis with my constant pain, which is reassuring.

What he did was poke my back and mark all the super painful parts. Then, after gathering many med students (Why is it that I’m always the one who gets the med students?) he stuck a short needle into my back at a muscle junction, then inserted numbing stuff and steroids. They did it at about seven seperate places in my back. It was painful, but worth it.

Afterwards, I watch a video for ASL extra credit, then went home and passed out. It was some of the best sleep I’ve had in a long long time. I think that this may be a course of action that works. The attending made it a point to stop it and tell me that I need to take special care to rebuild up my back and shoulder muscles while the medicine takes effect. It’s not a cure, but it makes it so that I can strengthen those muscles, and not be in constant pain.

Oh the BBQ was fantastic yesterday, but I of course drank too much. Good times were had by all. Matt, Emmie, and Ayse came by so that was fantastic. Hehehe. We sang through “Terror in Tuscaloosa” which was amazing. I love my friends so much.

Bryan rebooked my plane ticket, so no more angst there. I get into Austin at noon, June 8th, bitches. Be there.

Time to stuff envelopes. Fun Fun Fun. The things we do and pretend we like in order to get a pay check.

So Close, Yet So Far
May 30, 2005, 9:07 am
Filed under: blah blah blah

The Reg
1st Floor
About to go Home to Finish My Paper
Before the BBQ
Good God do I have a lot to take care of
So Ready to be Done with School
10:07 am
Monday, May 30, 2005

So Close, Yet So Far

I’ve been writting this paper, and I’m almost finished. Once that’s done, all I have left is extra credit for Sign Language, French (boo) and Psychology. Goddamn. That seemed like a lot less to worry about in my head. Oh well.

I’m doing better know then I was a couple of days ago. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the pull, but I hope to circumvent the down by being happy, healthy and productive. Hell no I don’t need mood stablizers. I show them all.

Funny note: We (Ben, Alii, Evan and I) went to buy a grill last night and the truth came out. I’m the only one in our group who knows how to grill. Weird huh? I told Alii that if this were Texas, which sadly it’s not, I wouldn’t be let within 15 feet of the grill for fear I’d get my girl cooties all over it. Oh, but not here. Here, I am the grill goddess.

Okay, so time to stop pretending that that paper’s due, when really, it’s not. Back to the house to finish. AHh!!

States of Lassitude

Fink’s Kitchen
Post Clayton’s Dinner Party
About to Go do Reading. . .
10:45 pm
Saturday, May 28, 2005

We had our first party last night. And yes, good times were had by all. Lord God in Heaven, do we have a lot of extra liqour.

Marie Penner-Han threw up off our balcony.
A glass got broken in our neighbors yard.
Jarrett may have broken my chair, but not our wines glasses.
Alii said she’d have sex with Ben over having sex with someone of Shepard’s choice.
Ben Fink made out with Sarah I! Hehehe.
I played guitar.
We played the new Candyland.

And then everyone left. And I was alone. I won’t lie — it stung. I sprawled out on the floor, listened to Shostakovitch. I feel darkness welling and fear I may not be able to hold it off anymore. I’ve expended much mental energy this quarter dealing with the manic, and I’ve done well. But the darkness not so much. Yet it comes. Yet it comes. Inpending doom. It’s not as easy to deal with as the Manic — paint, write, clean. But this . . .

So I go to dinner parties, write letters, take long showers. Sleep a lot. Drink.

“I can do an ironic anything.” Ben Fink. (We’re discussing the nature of American musical theater while I write this.)

And I went to work this morning. Eww. And then, I couldn’t get this day going. I corresponded with varoius people, cleaned, showered, and ate bean! I made my premier pot of beans in my apartment. It helped. I took a tasty nap. I love that I got an extension for my paper, till Monday and I still haven’t started. I think I’m about to go to home and go to bed. Boo.

Oh! Memorial Day BBQ. If you read this, you are most likely invited. 2:00, our apartment of Love and Joy. Bring some food if you want. Give me a call. All should come. There will be a stage reading of some stuff from Naked, plus other festivities.

You know what staves off the down? BBQ. And hugs.

Damn Those Heart Strings
May 26, 2005, 1:20 pm
Filed under: blah blah blah

The Reg
About to Copy 645,302 pages for
Lonely, but Happy
2:21 pm
Thursday, May 26, 2005

Damn Those Heart Strings

So, I love my life. I want to state that right off the back before I go and feel sorry for myself for a bit. As I walked to campus today, through a park where people were sleeping in the sun, walking dogs, and being happy — I realized that I’ve never been so content. I was having a super fabulous Damn I Love My Life kinda morning.

Then I saw Karl. This wasn’t a bad thing — I went and poked him and waved and kept moving — I have shit to do. It wasn’t Karl himself that was unsettling, but the tugging at my heart strings that I felt. Not for him specifically, just for someone. Now we all know I’m damn picky, and not just anyone will do. All of a sudden, I walking to the bank feeling alone, incomplete, unfinished. The strength of it all hit me full in the face, and I couldn’t shake it.

“I want someone to hold. Someone who understands how I feel at a time like now. Someone. Someday. Someday.” A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I went to Bar Night last night with all the Naked Theater people and it was fantastic. Truely brillant. I got blatently propositioned for sex, no suprise, and drank a lot of beer. I mean, it’s not my fault if people keep buying it for me, right? Good times were had by all.

I really love my friends. Each and everyone of them, and all because of the singularly amazing people each of them is. Amazing. My friends amaze me. What did I do before Naked Theater? My life must have been so empty. Oh yeah, I remember: it was empty, and I drank a lot.

So, the lonliness is only in a romantic sense. I have great friends aplenty, but I don’t like sleeping alone all the time. Not that I’m willing to compromise my rigorous standards, not that I regret breaking it off with Karl, not that I’m looking to get involved in anything right now, persay. I just want someone to call when I’m home alone, someone to smell my skin when I get out of the shower. Someone to kiss the back of my neck while I cook.

The only way you won’t find love is if you give up on it, right?


Syndrome of Pain
May 23, 2005, 8:48 pm
Filed under: blah blah blah

The Reg
1st Floor
About to go to my apartment!
9:48 pm
Monday, May 23, 2005

Syndrome of Pain

I got my MRI results back, and mostly good news. I have a mildly degenerating disk, but not enough to cause serious issues. The MRI was basically normal. So, turns out I have Myofascial Pain Syndrome , which is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a muscle problem: the muscles get sore and angry, push on the disk, pinch the spin, etc etc. Exactly what I’ve been saying has been going on for two years. But good thing is I get to go the Pain Clinic. What a fabulous name right? Basically they’re going to shoot my back full of steriods, which should make it stop hurting all the time. So that’s that. At least I know what’s wrong now, right? Dr. Blackman says that we’ll keep testing every once in a while to make sure it doesn’t get worse, especially if I have a “progression of symptomes.” I’d argue that I already have, but she is the Doctor. I really hope the drugs work. This entire time I’ve just wanted to know what’s wrong and to make the pain go away. Maybe this time it will.

The new apartment is fantastic, although I feel like my life vomited everywhere. I’m at that stage of unpacking where the number of boxes is shrinking, but the piles of shit everywhere are increasing. Yea, it’s rather annoying, but I’ll deal. Unpacking is kinda fun, truth be told, and I’m in love with the fact that I’ll get to live here for at least a year. Oh, god that’s such a great feeling. No more change of address forms, no more boxes. No more sucky Dorm people. It’s almost too good to be true.

Only 2 1/2 weeks left. I’m so ready for the summer. I have my ASL finals this week, and my final political movements paper due Friday. I could turn it in as late as Wendesday, and I may do just that. For now, I’m shooting for Friday. French Oral final either Wednesday or Friday, then the written final Monday of finals week.

Bonnaroo is so close I can almost taste it.

Adam is more in my life now, and I’m happy about that. I talked to him for about half an hour today as I walked home through the parks, feeling lucky that I get to experience Chicago in the Spring. I’m so happy to live in this city, to have this life. I’m truely thankful for the wonderful opportunities that I’ve been given, the amazing people I can surround myself with.

Tomorrow I go and tour the Merit School of Music, at the new building. It’s on the West Side, two blocks North of UIC-Halsted, which is pretty sweet. I know that area a bit since I worked three stops down the blueline in Pilsen last year. And I wouldn’t mind meeting some UIC people, although popular adage has it that all the smart ones go to U of C of UIC-Champaign. I’m so looking forward to the summer! Hooray for musical theater with children!

Oh voice lessons! I realized the other day that I sing as much as I used to in middle school. Well, almost as much, and I love it. My friends back home are going to find my new random bursts of song entertaining. Eric — remember that time when I sang ” I want a Bean Feast” really loudly in Brookshires and all those people looked and it echoed and shit? Hehehe. To go back to my original tangent, I’m glad to be able to work in a more efficiently run office with competent people, and also having the chance to pursue things I love like singing, and possibly playing the cello again. Hooray!

Alii and I may have accidentally adopted a cat. Her name is Socrates. I named her, and I’m not sure why, but that name fits. She has these really light green eyes: moss green and she’s fantastic. She’s a kitty, but not super tiny. Like a 10 year only child chronologically, if you get my drift. She obviously know how to take care of herself, she’s just started liking to spend time with us. We meet her outside the back door when we were all moving furniture. Then, later, when we were sitting on boxes in the living room, she just sauntered on in, and made the rounds to be petted. We like her a lot.

Since we don’t have the internet yet, my posts may be long. Bear with me here: I can only do so much. Tomorrow I can go get a new airport card though! Super duper! And home I go. I hope Alii made dinner.

I love my love, Myofascial Pain Syndrome and all.

Wouldn’t It Be Cool If?
May 19, 2005, 12:43 am
Filed under: blah blah blah

I wake up and I’m in my apartment, all moved in. Things are lovely, and I smell bacon cooking.

I’m in Texas, with all my friends, sans traveling hassel.

My paper wrote themselves.

The doctors fix my back tomorrow.

I’m in Paris

I’m not lonely

Ultimately, none of those things are going to happen. I’m magic but not that magic. I’m working on it. All of those dreams will become a reality, but due to some effort on my part, that’s for damn sure. I’m not stressed though — and it’s odd. I have my French Oral Final Friday, but things are shaping up rather nicely. Paper due next Wednesday, or the Wednesday after at the latest, then ASL finishes up, then a weekend to do a psychology paper.

Then I’m done. This year hasn’t turned out academically as brillant as one would hope. But at the same time I’ve grown as a person in some pretty fundamental ways. I keep remember what Maria told me at the beginning of the year: people’s grades tend to go down, on the whole, during their second year. So, maybe I’m academically normal?

That’s all the worrying I’ve got in me right now. Oh packing. This is so damn annoying. Friday, oh will I do most of it Friday.

Trashy fiction, and bed here I come. Damn, I need to get up and do laundry. Ehh. And read French. Ehh.

So Much Shit
May 17, 2005, 12:03 pm
Filed under: blah blah blah

My Room
Not Doing Work
1:04 pm
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

So Much Shit

Damn, I have a lot of shit. For the past two years, I’ve been forced to purge every eight months, and let me say I need it. As the days until I have a home of my own windle away, I’m a bit worried about my ability to ratpack. I like purging my life of useless shit — shit that’s at least useless to me.

There’s other shit going on as well though. Paper’s are coming, and damn do I need to work on them. And readings. But the show is up, so I have bits of my life back. I just have to remember the important things (aka: school) for the next couple of weeks so I can pull out this year with some decent grades.

Adam’s not coming. I know, it’s sad, but he has real reasons. Truth be told, the important thing is that he wants to be here, wants to spend time with me. We’ll see each other soon. Sometimes I just so damn undertanding it’s annoying.

I’m talking with Karl today. And it all comes down to this: I’m not in a place where I can be a good girlfriend to anyone. I just can’t do it right now. I’m to into being me, getting my life together, and spending time with my glorious friends. Don’t get me wrong, I could go into varoius reasons why I as a person, and Karl as the person I know aren’t meant to be together, at least not now. But it’s more then that.

I realized this the other day: I’ve never had more direct control over my life then I do right now, and I’ve never been happier. I was telling Alii about how high school was like a small pond. And for me, there was a film of oil, slime, filth on top that tainted everything, forcing me to self-medicate. That taint was not being in control of my life, being stuck in that go-nowhere town with the same damn people, most of whom aren’t brillant. It had it’s good points, but I was fundamentally so unhappy, so stuck. I’m glad that that’s over.

In a relaltionship, to a certain degree, you have to give up your personal soverignty. Does this mean that I’m never going to be willing to give my life up to somone else? I don’t think so. I think we can all see that I tend to jump into things full boar. Any of you who have seen me in a serious relationship know that I committ my all to it. But right now, that’s not where I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I hope that we can still be friends. My feelings for him haven’t changed: I still like him, I still enjoy his company. However, this not being accountable to someone, not having to squeeze more hours into the day, sleeping sprawled across my bed, that has been good. I’d like to date him. I’d like him to be a part of my life: who knows what’ll happen at some other point.

I can’t be anyone’s girlfriend right now. At least not in the conventional sense.

Things I Need More Of, Part I
May 14, 2005, 9:43 am
Filed under: blah blah blah

1. Early morning walks
2. Sunrises
3. Sleep
4. Cute and Small
5. Live Music
6. Duets to Sing
7. Dancing
8. Coffee
9. Thunderstorms
10. Correspondences
11. Time to Meditate
12. Fishies for the Schwigatorium
13. Belly Laughs
12. Strawberries
13. White Wine
14. Opportunities to Make Huge Meals
15. Home made Bread
16. Time to Create
17. Paint

A Small Piece of My Soul
May 14, 2005, 8:06 am
Filed under: blah blah blah

My Room
Liistning to Coffee Brew
About to Go to Work
MIldy Rested
Kinda Happy
9:07 am
Saturday, May 14, 2005

A Small Piece of My Soul

The show opened and I got a small piece of my soul, a hunk of my life back. It went really well. Not fantastic, but really well The great thing about musicals is that they only get better the longer the run. There were no major catastrophes, and the cast seems to know where they messed up and what needs work. Over all, I’m highly satisfied.

The great part about this is that I getting my soul back. Sondhiem is slowly taking his talons from my life. Today, I don’t have rehearsal. Tomorrow, I don’t have rehearsal. I can actualy start doing my work, preparing for finals, move into my apartment. Next week. Oh! Hooray! I’m so excited. I need to pack, but since I don’t have rehearsal everynight, that won’t be a problem

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve adored this whole thing, no matter how much I bitch about it, but it will be nice to occupy my time with other things.

Oh! So there’s a festival type thing in Schaumberg, Il that I think we all need to go to. I forgot the name but Keller and SCI are headlining. Two days in the beginning of July. It should be fantastic. I’m pretty sure it’s like ACL where you don’t camp. Bryan? Oh Bryan! The time to visit is then!

1 Week Till Moving Day
2 Weeks till Adam?
3 1/2 Weeks Till Bonnaroo!

Sleep is for the Weak
May 13, 2005, 2:31 am
Filed under: blah blah blah

My Room
Red Bull
Oh French Quizes to Study for
Oh Socio. papers to finish, even with the extension
Sleep is for the Weak!
3:31 am
Friday, May 13, 2005

Goddamn! I think I may have become incapable of doing work when I should. Am I to the point that I can only work under extreme durress? That’s sick, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

Oh sleep! I’m past that point now. Oh the red bull singing in my viens! I was supposed to finish my paper today, but instead I met with Tom, a guy I met at Evan’s birthday party, and we talked about math, High Fantasy, and TAs. I told myself I’d only talk with him for 30 minutes, but he’s so cool . . . 2 Hours later, my paper is the same as it was three days ago.

Turns out I’m supposed to watch TWO french movies this quarter and talk about them. I think I’m going to bust out the movie reviews I wrote for French during my first year, and use one of them. I’ll watch ONE movie, but two is a little much. Especially since I’m just now realising this, so late in the quarter. It’s my fault, but still. That means I’ll earn a bajillion points for the final activitie de votre choix, which we all know I need. I wonder if I can make up quizes? Marie and I talked about this today: with the way this quarter has gone, French becaeme the least of my priorities. I’m going to Paris, I speak French well, so learning all this grammer, going to class, and such has been the aspect of my academic life that’s fallen to the wayside. Which is sad. Too little too late? I think I can pull out with a B. If I do better then I did last quarter, (aka, getting a B) then I’ll feel like I’m not a total fuck-up.

But honestly speaking, I feel that this has been my most productive quarter. So maybe my grades aren’t going to be the hottest, but I’ve taken so many steps as a human being this quarter, that I think that’s okay. I’ve taken classes, academic classes, that interest me, and enjoyed them. I’ve got an apartment. I stage managed this play. I interviewed and found a fantabulous internship. I didn’t sleep much. But generally, I made steps towards being a real person. I made fabulous friends that I’ll keep always. I’m going to Paris. I need to focus on all that I’ve accomplished, and not so much on what slipped through the cracks. Maybe I’ll have the guts to be like Alii and not look at my grades until much after the fact.

Oh, all this caffine is horrible for my back. I’m scared to get the MRI — not just because of what it’ll say, but because of the whole process. Jeremy said he’d come with me — I may make him sing to me.

I’m going to write my paper for a bit. I’m aiming for two hours of sleep tonight. Good God.